Cowboy, Take Me Away

First of all I want to say thank you to all who’ve reached out to us after I blogged about Titus’s passing. One thing I’m really terrible at is getting back to people. I’ll see a sweet message and think ‘I’ll respond when I really have the time to send a heart-filled response’, and well, as most moms of small children can relate- that time never really materializes. So though I still have intentions of getting back with everyone who has contacted me with their condolences, I figured I’d just say one big THANK YOU here. When friends of mine have had tragedy befall them before, I always thought my prayers and condolences were such an inconsequential way to show them that I cared. But now going through it I know how powerful and comforting it is to know that people recognize your grief and they are rallying behind you. 

Though it still feels off to blog about other happenings in our lives, I did want to share a bit about our recent travels while they are still fresh on my mind. When Jonathan first started working 28/28 we sat down and discussed the places we most wanted to go with all of his time off. We definitely wanted to do Mexico with my family (happening in September), a big ski trip to somewhere new (Utah last February), and an all-inclusive ranch vacation. We had kind of decided to put the ranch vacation off until next summer since most of the kid programs don’t start until age 4, but when we saw that C Lazy U had a kid camp starting at age 3 and that the week of June 11 kids were free, we called to see if they still had any openings. Spoiler alert: they did! Three weeks later we were boarding a plane to Colorado for the best vacation ever! 

A lot of people asked how we found out about this place so I’ll explain a bit here. One of my besties from California told me about a resort in Montana called Paws Up which was her absolute dream vacation. After looking into it, it quickly became our dream vacation too! Unfortunately, it was all booked up for the week we wanted so we started looking into other similar resorts and found a whole world out there of luxury family ranch vacations. C Lazy U in Granby, Colorado really stuck out to us as exactly what we were looking for so we set our sights on it. 

Their summer programs are pretty much like summer camp for families. Y’all know I thrive with a schedule and routine so I loved feeling like I was at camp again! And the best part was that Forest was in Cowpoke camp for most of the day, freeing us up to do grown up things together for a change. All three of us had a blast! 

It was awesome to know that Forest was having the time of his life so that we could fully enjoy everything that the ranch had to offer. If I could choose two things that I most love to do when traveling, it would be getting to see beautiful scenery and wildlife via hiking or horseback riding. C lazy U was certainly the right place to be for that! 

During the summer season, there is a 7 night minimum at the ranch. Everyone checks in and out on Sunday, so you are together with the same group for the whole week. All meals are family style seating so you really get to know people pretty well during meal times and horseback rides.  

The first night, the ranch’s own resident horse whisperer interviews each guest and based on experience and personality, assigns them their horse for the week. 

Perhaps I'm biased, but I truly feel like Luke was the best horse in the herd!

Everyday there are two riding times at 9 and 2 and wranglers take groups out based on difficulty level. You could choose a slow scenic ride, a medium ride with some loping, or a hard ride with more cantering and tougher terrain. They also had instructional rides each morning for those looking to advance in their level. Throughout the week they also had special opportunities like horsemanship classes and cattle round ups. I mostly chose to do one medium ride a day and then a hike/walk most days as well. 

The ranch also has zip-lining, archery, fly fishing, mountain biking, swimming, and trap shooting in the summer months. Jonathan did archery and trap shooting in the afternoons while Forest and I napped. 

As for Forest, he went to ‘cowboy camp’ from about 9-4 every day. He happened to be the only kid in his age group that week. At first we were really bummed that he wouldn’t have any little ones to socialize with (especially since this is a concern of ours lately), but it turned out to be so awesome for him. He had the one on one attention of his counselor so came out of his shell pretty immediately. 

By the end of the week he was basically running the place. Ha! But seriously, because he was the only one there (the kids 6+ were riding most of the day), they didn’t have to follow a curriculum and could really customize the day to what he wanted to do. This meant a lot of swimming, pony riding, playground playing, rock collecting, and watching movies in the playroom. Pretty much heaven for our little guy. One day we were coming in from our afternoon horse ride and we spotted him in the pool with not one, but two counselors. Once we got our horses back to the barn he was on a beach chair getting toweled off by both girls while drinking a lemonade. 

Once he was dry, one of them went and placed his order at the ice cream bar and hand delivered his ‘chocolate with sprinkles’ to him at our picnic tables. 

Such service (and I don’t really have the heart to tell him that his life may have already peaked at age 3).  I was a little afraid of taking him home after he essentially didn’t hear the word ‘no’ for a week, but he was so exhausted that he really didn’t fight being in mommy bootcamp once we were back in Texas. 

Forest had a break from 4:30-6 everyday at which point I would put him down for his nap. 

I know that’s late for a nap but he was staying up until at least 8:30/9 every night so he had to have some sort of rest to bridge the long fun-filled days. At 6 we’d drop him off for dinner with the rest of the kids while we headed for cocktails and dinner with the grownups. After dinner there was usually some sort of family entertainment going on. The had a kid’s carnival one night. The kids hosted it and Forest was in charge of the fishing booth. It was the cutest thing ever. 

One night they had a talent show and the counselors made a skit with the youngest kids that basically centered on Forest, but apparently when it came to show time he got a little stage fright and refused to perform. I was pretty bummed but not at all surprised. 

One night they had smores and acoustic songs by the campfire and another night they had square dancing in the barn. 

They also had an artist come for a few days and he did a family paint night. We mostly just scurried Forest off the bed since he’s normally a 7/7:30 bedtime kinda guy but we’d try to stick around for a little bit each night. I could see this being an even better vacation when the kids are in late elementary school because they could take advantage of the riding and all of the summer camp activities. They had some pretty great activities for the teenagers too such as a camp out, white water rafting, etc.

Jonathan and I joked that we feel like we got jipped that our parents never took us here when we were growing up! It just seemed like all the kids were having an amazing time.

But to be fair, all the grown-ups were having a pretty great time too! 

We certainly plan to go back again (and again and again). There were so many multi-generational groups there with the parents/children/grandchildren and it seemed like such a fun time for a family reunion. I was sure wishing Forest had all his cousins there with him. 

That’s the gist of the week but there were also a few highlights I wanted to mention: 

*Getting a private ride with just Jonathan and I and our favorite wrangler for ‘family ride’ day. She took us on a great scenic ride up Mt. Baldy and we had perfect weather. 

*Taking a guided hike with one of the Rangers to Dawn’s Point. It was awesome because as soon as we were done walking, the ranch came and picked us up and brought us back. Again, such service! 

*Having Cowboy Coffee by the fire every morning. I swear, the best part of these all-inclusive vacations is someone else making me coffee.  Forest really enjoyed his Cowboy Hot Chocolate in the mornings too. 

*Not really a highlight but on our last day, Jonathan and I decided to just do a ‘Slow-scenic’ ride rather than a medium/hard ride. We started as a group of 4 but another 4 plus a wrangler joined us midway through, making our group 10 total. We got up on a ridge and suddenly it got super windy. Our wranglers decided it wasn’t safe and worried a horse may spook up there, so we had to all turn around on a narrow ridge and headed straight down the mountain through an aspen grove. Alls well that ends well, but we thought it was ironic that our ‘easy’ ride ended up being the most challenging of our trip. 

I was glad it happened the last ride because I felt pretty confident in my horse (Luke) after having all week with him. Luke was seriously the best. It was like driving an automatic. He just knew what to do and needed very little guidance from me. Jonathan actually had to switch horses halfway through the week because his original horse was such a stinker, they demoted him from a guest horse to a wrangler horse. ‘Wrangler’ horses are the horses that aren’t quite ready to be ridden by guests and still need some training. 

*Watching Forest ride his pony, Katy, in the ‘shodeo’. He opened up the end of the week show and everyone agreed he was the cutest thing EVER. He was super proud of the blue ribbon he won for trotting his pony. So stinkin adorable. 

*The twice daily ice cream bar. I definitely gained at least 5 lbs during this vacation. Five pounds is being conservative.

* Having pre-dinner cocktails at the Owners' house. Talk about backporch view goals. 

* Seeing a red fox. All through the week I heard rumors of red fox sightings but I wasn't lucky enough to spot it. On our final night we decided just to walk a bit and try to see if we could find it, and sure enough, we did! I didn't get a great photo but it was still a super special moment for us. 

* Watching the Jingle, which is what they call it when the wranglers bring the herd of horses in and out of the barn everyday. It's such a magical sight and never got old. 

Those are just a few of the many highlights. This was truly a dream vacation and we feel so blessed to have gotten to experience it.

Breaking my Silence

I don’t think I’ll ever officially end my blog, but clearly I am not posting regularly anymore. This is due to many factors- mainly busyness and the new lack of naptime. Also, a sudden and tragic loss in my family has me grappling for the right words. 

I’ve always been an open book and hope that I show an honest and vulnerable look at what it’s like to be a Christian, a mother and a trailing spouse. But lately certain things have felt a bit too hard and too personal to spill my guts over. I’m sure with distance and perspective, the words will come, but for now I’m just going with the motto: if you don’t have anything nice to blog, don’t blog anything at all.  

Of course our life continues to be littered with joy that I can’t wait to share, but it almost feels disrespectful and dishonest to gush about those things when my heart is hurting more than ever and my family is reeling with grief. I’ve always lived by the words ‘ fake it til you make it’, and the past 6 weeks have felt that way- just a surreal blur of going through the motions in disbelief that life indeed goes on. 

Those close to our family already know that my 19 month old nephew Titus died unexpectantly on May 18. Just typing those words make the horror of it fresh again. To make things even more impossible for my sister, she was 39 weeks pregnant at the time. She delivered a healthy baby boy less than 2 weeks  after facing every parents’ worst nightmare.  

Her family’s deep faith during the darkest grief imaginable, has been an inspiration to everyone that knows them. I went to Alabama for the funeral and then went back about 10 days later to spend time serving their family and I was just amazed that even though there were some undeniably hard moments in their household, there was also still laughter and joy. 

I’m not sure if this is normal, but I  often run worst case scenarios through my head regarding Forest. In fact, everytime I hear about a tragic situation involving a child I can’t help but envision Forest in the same circumstance. And I think: WHAT WOULD I DO? I think: I would just be a shell of myself. I think: I would never stop crying. I would never laugh again. I would wander through life completely lost and broken. 

But my sister and other faithful women who’ve gone through similar grief have shown me that this just isn’t true. That even in the face of Satan’s worst attacks, the Holy Spirit will grant us supernatural peace, comfort, joy, and faith. It doesn’t mean that those positive traits replace the profound pain and heartache we feel, but they exist alongside the hurt and help us to keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

My best friend Talia lost a child at birth and she was able to come to Titus' funeral. I wept when I saw her put her hands on my sister's shoulders and say ‘Look at me. I’m still standing.’  So few people can truly relate to someone who has lost a child, but I think every parent can say it’s their biggest fear. What parent can honestly raise their hand and say they’ve never had a near miss with their child’s safety? That one more minute of distraction or one car speeding through a parking lot or one piece of hotdog too big and it could have all been otherwise? 

I’ll raise my hand and say that when Forest was 6 months old, I almost put him to bed with the plastic part of a doorstopper in his mouth. He’d just started crawling and I had no idea he’d taken one off. When I gave him his pacifier before nap time, he spit it out, which was unusual. I gave it to him again and the same thing happened. By the grace of God, I happened to spot something in his mouth and swiped it out, but if I’d put him to bed like that? Who knows? It’s 3 years later and I STILL replay that moment in my mind. Not because I hold myself to some impossible parenting vigilance standard, but because it made me realize how fragile life is, and how swiftly something so small and accidental could steal it away. 

How can we protect our children from things we don’t even know are dangerous? We can’t. All we can do is do our best and know that our best is still inadequate sometimes. From that day on I pray over Forest every single night: Lord, protect him. But also: Lord, Your will be done. That second piece of the prayer is so hard sometimes. 

How could His good and perfect will ever end up with our hearts being shattered? I know the Sunday school answer but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t make me angry and confused and hurt. The Lord is our father! He is our parent. I think of my parents who not only are grieving the loss of their precious and sweet grandson, but watching their daughter go through the worst disaster any of us have every faced. And they can’t do anything to protect her. They can’t give her rest or comfort. They can’t make it better. And I see how much that tears them apart and then I think about how much more God loves her than her earthly parents ever could. I see how He’s giving her rest and comfort when no one else can.  I see how He’s providing small mercies to her family and how His church is enveloping them and being the hands and feet of Jesus for them. 

Their newest angel.

And while we may never understand how He can sit back and watch our worlds crumble, we know and trust that ultimately it’s for His purpose and glory. And that this world is temporary; a flash in the pan compared with eternity. And that the Lord is a faithful and patient parent to us, and no matter how painful it is, he’s reminding us constantly to not grow attached to this world, not even to the pure and Godly joy we may find here, and instead to obsessively fix our eyes on a future in Heaven with Him. 

Because as much as it hurts us to lose a child, it hurts Him immeasurably more to lose one of us. I’ve noticed a pattern in my life that the most faithful and decent people I know are the ones who are tested the most. I honestly believe that God uses the faith they show in their darkest hours to inspire the rest of us. I know that through their parents’ faith, Titus and Aubrey’s lives will both have a lasting impact and the Holy Spirit will continue to use their testimonies to stir people’s hearts. 

So that’s just a glimpse of what’s been on my mind and heart while I’ve been absent from the blogosphere. I do hope to post a few things soon about our trip to Colorado, Forest's transition to the big boy bed (!!) and a trip to Milwaukee (told ya we’ve been busy lately).

Happy Half Birthday, Forest!

Forest just celebrated his half birthday and is only 6 short months away from turning 4. So far, 3 has been a challenging age. It's simultaneously the easiest and hardest phase he’s gone through.  Three year olds are famously volatile, hence the accurately coined phrase ‘Threenager’. He’ll be in such a good mood and then the littlest thing can send him into an inconsolable conniption fit. Then other days some major bummer could happen and he totally takes it in stride and handles it like a champ. Seriously, I never know what the day will bring or if I will be dealing with an angelic sweetheart or a mischievous terror.  Here’s a quick snapshot of Forest’s life these days: 

Favorite Book: He’s still very much into Thomas so his 5-minute Thomas stories is a book we read everyday. 

He also loves to read through activity books. He has a huge Thomas sticker and activity book and he won’t color it but wants us to read it to him and he does all the activities with his finger. 

I think he loves it so much he doesn’t want to mar it with actual crayons. He also loves the Llama Llama series. He and Llama have a lot in common (both shy momma’s boys). 

Favorite TV Show/Movie: Favorite TV show is still Thomas but he will occasionally ask for Chuggington or Curious George. Disney- Pixar Cars has been dethroned and the title of new favorite movie goes to Disney Planes. We’ll see if Crophopper still reigns supreme over McQueen after Cars 3 comes out this June. We have a very excited little boy at our house! 

Favorite Toy: Dusty Crophopper currently goes everywhere with us. 

Favorite foods: Raspberries, Mac and Cheese, chocolate milk, carrots, spaghetti, graham crackers with hazelnut butter, and turkey sandwiches. 

Language Development: He’s definitely had a big leap lately and is starting to tell very detailed stories. It’s fun to see his imagination at work and also to start getting very accurate play by play events of what goes on at preschool. 

Cutest Sayings: One new phrase he says is ‘in a lot of days’ when he’s talking about something that happened a long time ago or is coming in the future. For example: “Spring will turn to summer and then Cars 3 will come to the movie theater in a lot of days.” Or “In a lot of days ago when I was a baby I watched Harry the Bunny and then a Baby Einstein where they had different colors on the flatbeds.” 

Something not-so-cute is he’s starting to use the term ‘hate’. The other day he smiled at me and said ‘I hate you mommy!’. I said ‘That is the meanest thing you could say to me’ and he replied ‘No mommy, I hate you nicely.’. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t fully grasp what the word means…. But he’ll say ‘I hate those kind of bubbles.’ etc, and it really bothers me. As a kid we were NEVER allowed to use that word so I’m trying get him to say ‘I strongly dislike’ instead of ‘hate’. 

New Skills: He did awesome at ski school! 

He is writing his name better and better. That pesky ‘S’ is pretty frustrating but he keeps trying. 

He’s building to his bank of sight words and is a really good speller too. 

He was trying to search for 'Thomas Youtube'.

He loves to spell/read the names of his classmates and favorite characters. 

Stats: He’s about 37 lbs and 41.75 inches. I think 81% for weight and around 92% for height. 

I find it hard to believe he’s not higher than 92% for height because I seriously haven’t met anyone his age taller than him! I calculate his percentiles based on the WHO (worldwide) statistics so Jonathan and I joke that it’s those dang Germans and Ethiopians screwing up the curve.  According to the CDC which is based on American statistics he's 94.7% which seems more accurate.

Schedule: Sadly naps are no more. One day he just stopped napping cold turkey. At first he was still going down without a fight and having some quiet time in his room but now quiet time has turned into hysterically crying time so I’m not sure how long we can keep it up. He’s still in a crib but we plan to make the transition to big boy bed in June. That should be fun. He goes to bed around 7 pm and mostly sleeps til 7 AM. Although I am very sad to see naptime go, it is nice to be at a point where we aren’t a slave to his schedule anymore. However, I do see a correlation between the dropping of naps and the uptick of exorcist like tantrums all the live long day. 

Other Observations: Forest loves music and likes to boss us around as to what we listen to in the car. His first choice is always Ed Sheeran and he can sing every word of every song on the new album. He also gets very upset when we skip over ‘the song with bad words’. 

He doesn’t like loud noises and even some soft noises (bees buzzing) bother him and he’ll shriek and say ‘I don’t like that sound!’ He’s always been a light sleeper and I wonder if it’s because he’s so noise sensitive. He also has a keen sense of smell. When I get him up in the morning he’ll say ‘What is that smell? Bacon?’ (or ‘coffee’ depending on how early he wakes up). 

He continues to be super silly, super happy, super energetic and super shy. 

He loves pretending to drive and gravitates to steering wheels at playgrounds. Bonus points if the fake steering will has a grill that looks like a jeep. 

He seems to have lost interest in art and puzzles for the time being. 

He just felt like he needed more time to devote to his car/train/plane obsession. At least he’s diversifying his vehicular interests beyond just steam trains. 

My struggles: Forest is crazy shy. But he’s very atypically shy. He is so adventurous and full of joy. He can’t wait to jump in and try new things, and he’ll gladly follow a group of kiddos around but he really hasn’t figured out how to have a conversation with anyone outside of his very close family and friends. His teachers say they have to really encourage him to speak at all and he usually won’t respond verbally if someone asks him a question. He hates to be put on the spot or have the attention on him. Even if it’s me trying to get something on video, he will say ‘NO!’ and stop doing whatever cute thing I was trying to film. 

His teacher told me that her main worry with Forest is that he’s so smart and well-behaved (??) that it’s likely he won’t get the attention he needs in school because he won’t be seeking it the way some kids do. She suggested we try to set up playdates with one or two kids from class and just in the last 3 weeks we’ve been making more of an effort and it has made a huge difference. Even though he’s still quiet and shy, he isn’t totally mute. He asked the cashier for milk at McDonald’s, he talked to a friend at school, and he’s been talking to me in front of other people which is something he wasn’t doing 3 weeks ago. 

We were at a playground the other day and a 9 year old girl kindly offered to play with Forest and show him where a pretend car was. She came down the slide after a bit and said to me 'He doesn't talk much, does he? He only said two words! When I asked him where he was driving he said "The Beach."' I told her he is pretty quiet but inwardly I was like 'Two whole words? In response to a question from a total stranger? Woohoo Forest!!!!' 

I was at the point that I thought he may need to be assessed for a spectrum disorder but after seeing his progress with a just little more intention on our part, I feel hopeful that it’s a personality issue rather than a developmental one.  It's something we definitely have our eye on but I have to remind myself that being shy and introverted is perfectly normal and no less valuable than being outgoing and extroverted. 

Of course we want him to be able to easily make friends and to respond in socially expected ways and ask questions in school if he needs help, but we don't want to change the core of who he is. And having an little introvert definitely has it's perks, like a kid who will happily entertain himself for hours on end. And let's get real - he gets its from his momma and in terms of personality, the apple really hasn't fallen far from the tree. 

Another struggle is that he’s been having sooooo many tantrums lately. With Jonathan coming and going, he is testing more than the typical three year old. Add that to dropping naps and not getting enough sleep and he’s just so moody. I’m having to follow through on some tough love these days and it’s a lot of trial and error to find which discipline is most effective with him. 

Well that was just a short (hahahaha!) synopsis of life with our 3.5 year old. I'll try to blog again soon but with preschool ending and no more naptime, it's getting pretty hard to find the time!