Swirling Thoughts

My thoughts are swirling recently. Does that ever happen to you? I’ve got so many emotions and ideas and fragments racing through me that it is hard to articulate it all. Valentine’s Day always gets me feeling sentimental. For some reason, it’s always been a monumental day for me, in mostly bad ways. 

I thought that curse was broken when 2 years ago I took a positive pregnancy test on Valentine's Day. I still remember the shock of it. I can still feel my knees crumple and my eyes well up with tears of relief and gratitude. I try to focus on that memory when I feel overwhelmed or worn down by day to day life of staying home with a toddler. 

Lately, I feel like I’ve fallen into the groove of motherhood. In general I’m feeling more relaxed and flexible and like I have my act together. A bad nap day is usually met with a shrug and a sigh but we march on nonetheless. Usually. But for some reason last Friday I just couldn’t roll with the punches. Forest has been taking his sweet time transitioning from two naps to one per day. Everyone assures me that one of these days he will merge his 2 1-hour naps into 1 2-hour nap but so far for us it’s been rocky at best. 

Anyhoos, the point is that on Friday I decided that ready or not- he was gonna  start taking 1 2-hour nap per day effective immediately. Hahaha. He took a 1 hour nap and woke up raring to go.  But I felt so frustrated for some reason. I grumbled under my breath, I roughly put away my interrupted bible study and marched up to his room with my best ‘mean-mom’ face on. One look at me and he uttered ‘uh oh’ and dove down to pretend he was still sleeping. 

Of course I instantly melted over his adorableness, but still felt like my frustration was shining through. I tried faking it til I made it but mostly felt like a phony. We headed out for a playdate with friends which I think was even more beneficial for me than it was for him. But still, a short nap wasn't that big of a deal, so why was I so annoyed? I know in my head I have so much to be thankful for and yet sometimes I just fall apart over the littlest things.

Why, why, why do I crumble when I feel physically exhausted? I mean I’m getting roughly 8 hours of sleep on a nightly basis. To expect to have a large chunk of time to rest during the day just seems excessive. On a day to day basis, I know this. I accept that occasionally he will throw me a mega-nap but for the most part, that’s not my child. Some 15 month olds still don’t sleep through the night on a consistent basis. 

I have nothing, nothing, nothing to complain about. And yet, I do. I complain. And I hate that I complain. I hate that I don’t count my lucky stars every single day. I hate that I forget what a blessing Forest is. I hate that some days I forget how long and hard and faithfully I prayed for him. I forget what a miracle his very existence is. And the fact that he is healthy and beautiful and developmentally on target is just icing on the miraculous cake.  

 

Lately I’ve had several close friends have issues getting or staying pregnant. Then on Valentine’s day, my very best friend told me devastating news about her pregnancy and how the current prognosis is that her daughter may only survive a few hours after birth. So this Valentine's Day, once again my knees crumpled and my eyes filled with tears, but this time with helplessness and grief. It burdens me. 

I know how fragile pregnancy is. I know that even (and sometimes especially) the most faithful people have their hearts challenged and tested with seemingly unbearable grief. I know that they are strong and inspirational and that how they show grace, faith, and bravery in their darkest hours  shines like a light to others. But it still burdens me.   

I hate that my thoughts are swirling and that for someone who considers themselves a writer, I can’t think of a single thing to say to her other than ‘I am so sorry’ and ‘I love you’. It’s just an inadequate expression of how I feel and just how much I love her and how my heart is crushed and how I know the grief that is causing me sleepless nights is a million times stronger for her.   

And I hate that there is nothing I can do to fix it or to ease her pain. I hate that I can’t whip up some sage wisdom like I did when she had her heart broken at 16 that will bring her any comfort. I hate hate hate that God chose this to be her testimony. It’s ugly but it’s true. I trust God ultimately, but it can be so painful in the interim when you are waiting for His bigger purpose to be revealed.

I know that no better woman on earth could have been chosen as Aubrey’s mother. I know that Talia’s experience with this pregnancy will lead her to be the most compassionate OBGYN that her patients could ever dream of. That her joy and strength in the face of such a monumental grief will make others wonder where her peace comes from and they will find the answer: Jesus Christ. 

Talia meeting baby Forest for the first time on a visit to Napa.

In the brief moments I’ve spoken to her since the diagnosis she remarked ‘I don’t know how people without faith handle a diagnosis like this.’ We agreed that they must fall into complete despair with the seemingly senselessness of it all. I know that God will use Aubrey’s story to bring hope and comfort and perhaps even salvation to many others. But I still don’t like it. And I think that’s normal. 

Sometimes when I see Christians who don’t seem to waiver at all in their trust and faith in God’s perfect plan, I can get a little annoyed. Ultimately I should be striving to be like them, but I can’t help but think it’s disingenuous. Y'all know me. For better or for worse, I am a completely open book. When a friend asked how I kept my faith during a 3 year struggle with infertility, I answered honestly: Sometimes I didn’t. 

Sometimes I despaired and wallowed and lost hope and got angry and felt ungrateful. Sometimes I felt so far away from God. Sometimes  I felt like he was remaining silent in the time I needed his comfort and reassurance most. I remember pleading with Him to give me a definitive answer, whether that be 'no' or 'not yet' or 'not this way'. But still I felt as if our conversation was one sided. It wasn’t until after nearly 3 years that I started changing the way I prayed. 

Instead of praying for a child, I prayed that God would change my heart. That if I weren't going to be a mom, that he would make the desire for children lessen in my heart and replace it with a desire to serve Him and others. I asked that He use me in big ways  since not having children would significantly free up my plans for the next 20 years or so. I asked that he use my pain and sorrow for His will. 

I felt my load lightening and the heaviness of my heart easing in my chest day by day. I started to accept that God had other plans for me and tried to keep my eyes, ears, and heart open for what that might be. I felt like once I had finally accepted that his answer to my biggest prayer might in fact be 'no', my faith began to flourish once again.

But then one night I let myself just grieve one last time. I had an appointment with the fertility clinic the next day but had already decided that I wouldn't pursue any treatment if it was found that I couldn't get pregnant naturally. I felt like if that were the case then that would be God's definitive 'no' loud and clear. I was terrified to be faced with that possibility. I got on my hands and knees and wept and begged and prayed for God to reconsider me for motherhood. I cried and cried until I had no strength left. I remember starting to feel cramping from the onset of yet another period and just let out another bawling cry from the deepest parts of my soul. Little did I know that cramping I felt wasn’t another failed cycle, but the sensation of Forest making his way into my life. 

 

Meeting Talia's new baby Kye on Valentine's Day 2013, just an hour after finding out I was pregnant.

I can’t explain to you the impact the timing of this miracle had in my walk with Christ. I know that not everyone’s journey ends like mine, with a perfect pregnancy and healthy and vibrant baby boy. Some people go on to serve different roles for Christ. Some show a beautiful biblical love through adoption.  Some experience God’s miracle of parenthood through the gift of science. Some never have their prayers answered in the way they’d like them to be. 

And it’s painful and ugly and honest and raw and the hardest part is thinking that we are all alone in our grief. One of the biggest joys that Christians have on earth is fellowship with each other. To find a kindred spirit who can share our fears and pain and remind us that nothing on this Earth is forever. Nothing. That our love for our children, as breathtaking and all-encompassing as it is, is not a millionth of the amount that God loves us. 

And that he never wants us to senselessly despair. That His plan and will is perfect if we open our heart enough to accept it. It doesn't mean that acceptance still won't hurt like the dickens. But it won't be senseless. He will use our pain for His purpose. And I've found in my life that sometimes He uses turmoil to bring us back under His wing. I don't believe the old adage that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I think He absolutely does. He gives us things that are so tough that we have no choice but to lean on Him for support.

I think Talia is so brave for deciding to blog about her pregnancy and Aubrey’s sweet life. I just know that her record, words, and faith will help another family in their time of profound grief. I hate that anyone has to go through the pain of even potentially losing a child, but unfortunately that is part of this earthly life. 

But I know that God is putting people in Talia’s life who will be able to fellowship with her and hold her hand through this difficult time, and I also know that someday she will be able to guide someone else through the confusion and raw pain that comes with this sort of prognosis. 

As much as I can’t stand to watch Talia suffer like this, I absolutely know that God knows what he’s doing and that he has chosen the most special parents and the most special baby girl to shine His light in the world. 

Photo from Talia's blog which you can read by clicking here

If you are the praying sort, please pray for this sweet family's comfort; that God continues to sustain them in their grief; that Talia’s doctor’s have wisdom, discretion and compassion for the remainder of this pregnancy; that their family is covered in prayer and support and encouragement, and that God’s will and purpose be revealed through Aubrey’s precious life. Amen.

"The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

Happy Valentine's Day!

Forest has a new adorable obsession with stuffed animals. Sadly, when you have a baby boy, very few people gift you with soft cuddly things. My bestie April gave him his beloved fox, my mom bought him a highland coo, and we had a few pint sized lovies that he got as gifts as well. But when the occasion of Valentine's Day was coming up, I wanted to use the Hallmark holiday as a chance to get Forest a new animal friend. 

I decided to go with the Jellycat brand just because they are the absolute softest. Plus they have every single animal imaginable. I'm serious. Sloth? Got it. Wooly Mammoth? Jellycat is offended that you even have to ask. Going with an Ostrich themed nursery? Jellycat has you covered. And of course they have all the classics like lambs, bears, squirrels and lemurs as well. Really, the variety is astounding. It took me two whole naptimes to narrow down my decision for the perfect new friend for Forest. 

He's always had a thing for penguins and I just couldn't pass up this snuggly character. I am happy to say that he passed the test and has already received plenty of Valentine's Day kisses and cuddles from Forest. 

Happy Valentine's day, y'all. I hope it's a snuggly one!

Photo Challege Update: Rainy Day

Back in December I started following a series called 31 days to a better photo. It was probably not the best time to start since we were about to leave town for 2.5 weeks. Still I brought my camera along for our trip down south, but while we were there I started having issues with my camera’s focus. Jon had gotten me a new lens for Christmas so I didn’t know if perhaps it was a learning curve with that or if there were an issue with my actual camera, but the crisp images I was viewing in the viewfinder were not what was coming out on film. I was kind of discouraged since my family wanted me to take family pics and a lot of them were out of focus and unsalvageable. These were the best I got:

Unfortunately working around 2 babies' naptimes meant we were taking pics in midday sun :(

Since getting home I have taken steps to clean my camera which has helped but I still feel like it’s not focusing as it should be. I plan on taking it in to the camera doctor next week if a few more at-home troubleshooting remedies don’t fix the problem. Anyhoos, it’s frustrating because I feel like I’m just starting to get into a good groove and really starting to grasp the basics of shooting in manual mode but this has certainly slowed down my progress.

Still, I couldn’t resist an impromptu photo shoot with Forest playing in a very rare California rain storm this past weekend. We bought him a Hatley raincoat and boots for Christmas and were kind of looking forward to the first opportunity for him to wear his new rain gear. He’s constantly trying to put his rain boots on and carries them throughout the house. 

They are a little big but fit well enough for splashing around in the back yard. 

I think it's safe to say that he had a blast playing in the rain and I had a pretty fun time trying to capture it all. 

Next up, I'll be trying to better learn the concept of white balance and how to apply it to my photography. I'll hopefully have another photo shoot to show you soon!

15 Month Summary

Warning: The title of this post reads 'summary' but it's really more like a novel. Turns out, I have an awful lot to say about my adorable son here. What did I used to blog about??????

It's  been a while since I’ve done a monthly summary of life with Forest. I love his little ‘guest blogs’ but sometimes we just can’t cram all the little details into them, so I’d like to have the spotlight to record some of my musings on motherhood and the particular stage he’s in. 

Forest just turned 15 months old, which (I  know I say every month) is just unbelievable to me. The first year crawled by but the second is flying past. Probably because it’s been jammed packed with traveling, visitors, and sickness. And also because he is changing drastically on a daily basis. During the first year you are waiting for those big milestones: rolling over, sitting, crawling, walking, first words, etc. The second year milestones are a bit more subtle, but oh-so-life changing. Climbing on the furniture. Jumping off the furniture. First sentence. First conversation. Interacting with peers in a more active way. Here’s just a snapshot of what is going on in our lives. 

Favorite book: One recent development is Forest’s obsession with books. He used to really enjoy simple books like ‘Brown Bear, Brown Bear’ or touchy feely and lift-the-flap books, but now he is actually liking story books. His aunt and uncle got him a set of Thomas the Train books for Christmas and he asks me to read them over and over again. Of course, I’m a book lover so I love reading to him and watching his face light up during certain parts of the story. 

His other favorite is Rumble in the Jungle which we read every night before bathtime. Our nighttime routine is book, bath, bed instead of the more common bath, book, bed because Forest will just get too excited to have storytime before bed that he takes longer to fall asleep that way. 

Favorite Toys: By far his favorite toy is his roller Dino by Orange Tree Toys. 

I found this at Homegoods before Christmas when I went to buy a few things for Toys for Tots. I bought one of these for the charity but couldn’t resist picking one up for Forest too, especially since they were only $7 (!!! Homegoods has the best toys!!!). Anything that rolls or has wheels is a hit with Forest, but this Dino is definitely his one true love.   

Favorite Foods: Cheese. No question. Peanut Butter Sandwiches are also high on the list. We are lucky that he also really enjoys most veggies, especially green veggies. Weirdo. 

Schedule: AH! His schedule is a bit of a nightmare right now simply because it changes every day. He is still in the purgatory of ‘needs 2 naps but will sometimes only take 1’ but he’s definitely getting closer to transitioning. He can skip his afternoon nap and not have a total meltdown in the evening so that is progress. I’m hopeful that in the next month or so he will be taking one midday nap instead of two one hour naps, but for now we are still limping along with a 2 nap schedule. Usually our day goes like this: 

6:15-7:15: Wakes up. It’s totally inconsistent. Our rule is that we don’t get him out of bed until 6:45 no matter when he wakes up but we will let him sleep as long as he wants:). Forest is really good at staying quiet until we go in and get him out of bed. I'm sure once he's in his toddler bed this will not be so easy. 

7/7:30:  Breakfast. I feed him right after getting him out of bed. Right now he usually eats oatmeal mixed with pureed fruit, a cup of milk, and cheerios.   

10:30ish: Morning nap. I am still putting him down for a mid-morning nap usually between 10-11. He will nap anywhere between 1-2 hours. If he naps longer than 1.5 hours, he usually won’t take an afternoon nap, but anything less than that and I usually try to set aside some time in the late afternoon for him to at least have some quiet time in his crib. Again, Forest is super compliant with quiet time which is a really awesome trait.   

11:30/12ish: Lunch. I feed him right after he wakes up from his morning nap. Lunch varies from day to day. Sometimes we will have leftovers from the previous night’s dinner or sometimes I will make him something specifically for lunch. I usually try to give a grain, a fruit, a veggie and a protein along with another cup of milk. 

Boy loves his milk and usually drinks a full sippy cup (8 oz) at each meal. His favorite lunch time meal is for sure peanut butter sandwiches. I usually get whole grain English muffins and serve them open style and cut into bite size pieces. It’s quite a mess but he loves it and yay for no peanut allergy! After lunch we will usually run errands, go to the park, or meet up with friends for a playdate. We are both up for anything as long as it gets us out of the house! 

2:30: Snack time! Snack time is pretty flexible but I’ve been trying to have it around 2:30. We don’t want to encourage constant snacking so he gets one formal snack a day and we make it like a mini-meal with 2 or 3 food groups included and another small serving of whole milk. We usually try to have him sitting in his high chair for snack time to cut down on eating on the go in the car-seat or stroller. It’s all very French. :) 

3:30: Afternoon Nap. I usually put him down in his crib at around 3:30 for ‘quiet time’ for 30 minutes. He will fall asleep about 75% of the time but usually doesn’t nap for more than 45 minutes these days, though every once in a while he will have a whopper of an afternoon nap which is always a nice surprise. After his nap we almost always go for a stroll before dinner time. If we have time he gets to play at the park but sometimes Jon and I just go for a long walk, especially if Forest hasn’t napped that afternoon so 30-45 minutes in a stroller at least gives him some additional restful time. 

5:30: Early Bird Dinner followed by Bedtime activities. Dinner is served between 5:30-6 and Forest generally eats whatever we eat, altered into a baby safe self-feeding form.  Forest is not the best at remembering to chew so I still have to cut his food into bite sized pieces. He’s getting better at using a spoon and a fork though so he is almost completely self fed, with a little spoon assistance from momma from time to time. 

After dinner we usually play and read in his playroom until bathtime at 6:30 and Forest is generally in bed and asleep by 7 pm. His nighttime routine still consists of bathtime, a massage with lotion and then a few minutes listening to lullabys while being rocked in the glider. 

Jonathan puts Forest to be almost every night which is a welcome break for me to be able to clean up the kitchen and the playroom. Once Forest goes to bed, Jonathan and I usually spend about 2 hours just chatting, watching TV, etc before we head to bed ourselves. 

Stats: At his 15 month well-check appointment last Monday, Forest weighed 23.75 lbs (down 8 oz from 2 weeks before at his appointment for the flu) and measured 32.75 inches. The doctor remarked that she is positive his weight will bounce back up soon but for now he is around 50% for weight and ********95%********** for height. He’s basically a string bean! 

 
He’s too tall for 18 month pants yet he’s so thin that 18 M pants usually will fall down while he plays so he’s definitely not ready for size 24 Month pants just yet. For now he is rocking high waters until we can fatten him up a bit. 

I bought him a pair of 24 month pants and cinched them all the way at the waist. They literally fell all the way off of him.

His head circumference is still hovering around 40-45%. The doctor is not too concerned about that since it’s remained kind of in that window since he was 6 months old so it’s likely he’ll just have a small head. Jon and I both have tiny heads so it makes sense! 

Words: Ok, y’all, I have a confession. Around 12 months I really started to freak out about Forest’s lack of talking/gestures. Around 10 months he started waving, clapping, and saying a few words (dog, go, momma and dada) but at around 11 months he sort of stopped and didn’t seem too interested in resuming despite my prodding. Anytime a baby regresses it can send up red flags. Plus he was pretty quiet and would often play by himself in the corner when we went to playdates, despite being obviously curious about the other babies and mommas.

Now in hindsight I realize that he went from cruising to walking to running all within about a 5 week span right around the same time time which was a major physical milestone explosion. It’s actually pretty normal for babies who are growing exponentially in one area to sort of neglect another skill set for a while.   

At about 13 months he started really interacting more socially which set our minds at ease. 

And now at 15 months he is adding to his vocabulary every day and is right back on track for his age. Currently his vocabulary consists of up to 19 words: Momma, Dada, Yea, No, Dog, Cat, Duck, Cow, Down, Car, Tree, Uh-oh, Cup, Socks, Shoes, Fox, Hi, Hot and Cheese. Momma and Dada are actually the hardest to come by but he is quick to point out every Dog, Car, and piece of cheese that meets his sight. #priorities.

 
He understands much more than he speaks and will follow simple commands like ‘bring that to momma’, ‘put the book in your basket’, ‘no touch’ etc. He also will repeat certain things that I say (so  I have to watch my language;) even though he may not say them spontaneously yet. For instance, today I said ‘zipper’ and clear as a bell he said ‘zipper’ right back. So cool! 

Physical Milestones: It’s hard to keep up with these. He is really mastering so many physical things right now. I guess the biggest things recently are eating well with a fork and a spoon and also sitting on his tooshy and scooting forward to go down a slide. 

Observations: Forest still seems to have introverted tendencies but is becoming more outgoing all the time. He takes a bit of time to warm up and always cautiously approaches new people or situations, but once he gets the picture he is full of smiles. 

He has been loving the gym daycare lately which is such a relief! The other day he tried to hide when I came to pick him up which is a major change from the days of him crying off and on the entire time I worked out. 

He is also turning into a very affectionate and gentle little guy. He is all boy in most aspects but he's surprisingly passive in his interactions with other kids and animals. Occasionally he will accidentally run over another baby because he has a habit of not looking where he's going but so far he is pretty good about sharing and taking turns. I'm sure that'll change as he gets a bit older;) 

But I will say that he's been doing great with Samson. We work with him daily on petting Samson 'soft' and he obliges. Occasionally he gets carried away and pats him a bit harder than we would like, but all in all I think he's pretty trustworthy with such a small pup. And he's been able to apply the concept 'soft' when we are around babies younger (or simply smaller) than him too.  Also, he loves to climb into my lap for a cuddle and will often hand me a book before climbing aboard for a story. 

He also loves his stuffed animals, especially his fox which he snuggles with daily. We usually know when it's nap time or bedtime because he will start carrying his fox around with him.

My biggest challenges: Exhaustion and Discipline. Forest is really independent which can be nerve-racking and exhausting when out in public. I met a friend and her son at the park the other day and I couldn’t hold a conversation with her because Forest was constantly running out of the park and needing to be redirected. 

Meanwhile, her boy was content to actually play on the playground. Imagine!

We’ve been really digging confined spaces recently otherwise it’s just a constant game of momma chasing baby around. He’s getting better at holding my hand in public but when he sees something he wants to chase or explore, he quickly let’s go and makes a dash for it. 

At this age, all toddlers are little scientists. Their jobs are to explore and gather info and test boundaries and our job is too enforce appropriate boundaries within which to let them freely explore. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have the energy to be consistent when Forest tries to splash in the dog’s water bowl for the hundredth time that day, but I know that as soon as I let him do it once then I am sending him the signal that the rules don’t always apply, and that’s a slippery slope. 

The other day we were out at an outdoor mall and I asked Forest to hold my hand. He did for a minute before trying to wiggle away to go explore. While we were in a safe spot for him to roam a bit, I didn’t want to ‘lose’ the argument to my 15 month old that he needed to hold my hand in this situation. So I had to endure the temper tantrum that came when I picked him up to carry him (consequence for not holding mom’s hand). 

When he’s a bit older I think he’ll be able to understand more about what’s appropriate in different situations and hopefully he will follow a command when I tell him to stay by mommy, but for now that’s just a bit too much to expect from him. So we march on with being consistent and consequently extremely exhausted.  We hope that our consistency now will pay off in laying the groundwork for obedience in the terrible twos/threes. We’ll see I guess. 

Ok, that was a really long winded post. Things are just changing so fast these days. I want to write it all down so that I have some sort of record for remembering. Thanks for following along!